pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
