Your dad touched me again.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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