She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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