she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
