I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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