I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
