OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
