Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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