We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
