Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
