I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
