I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
