Apparently you make a good broom.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
