Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
