I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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