i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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