So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
