Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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