My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
