Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
