I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
