Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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