in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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