i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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