The brown eye won't let me do that either.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
