So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
