she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
