Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
