i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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