My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
