Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
