I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
