Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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