I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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