he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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