I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
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working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
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I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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