Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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