Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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