fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
