Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
