Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
