It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I smell like Dick and happiness
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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