I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
