Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
