The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
