there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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