I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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