and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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