Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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