She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
