I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
