She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
