New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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