I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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