remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
