I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
