So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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