I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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