She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
