You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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